My grandmother was superhuman. I remember watching with wide panicked eyes as she gripped a scalding hot metal cooking pot with her bare hands. In a panic, I asked her if she was in pain from receiving third degree burns on her palms only for her to chuckle to herself as though I had asked the stupidest question ever. I later examined her hands and was in awe of the thick calluses she had acquired from handling decades of flaming pots. In her time, girls and women did not have easy access to education. Their only path in life was to bear children and be obedient housewives. When I was born, some people were upset that I was not a handsome baby boy. I was just a little baby girl who was only going to bear children one day. How disappointing.
I don’t think this story is particularly unique, it’s a lived reality for so many women out there. I tend to wonder where all the women in my family would be today if they had the same opportunities that I did. They were all so intelligent and creative and strategic but because of their life circumstances, they were never able to self actualize and learn what it was like to only worry about themselves and their happiness. They had children to feed and houses to clean and dinners to make. Because of their life experiences, I knew from an early age that I wanted my life to look different. They truly inspired me and they are the reason why I was so selfish with where I dedicated my time and energy in my late teens and early 20s. In the current climate that we live in, it is extremely important for young women, specifically young black women in their early 20s to be more selfish with their time and more dedicated to achieving their wildest dreams and goals.
The first two years in my early 20s were so devastating in many ways. I lost myself, I cried a lot, I failed a lot, I isolated myself, I judged myself, I procrastinated a lot, I broke promises that I made to myself and I was so scared of rejection. Somewhere along the way, things started making sense.
The first selfish thing I did was refusing to give up on myself. Going to school during a pandemic was one of the most challenging things I ever experienced. It was so bad that I almost decided to drop out and go learn a trade because I was so mentally drained. But I knew that if I gave up during that moment of weakness I would never forgive myself and that would be one of my biggest regrets in life and I don’t usually regret many things. I decided to do my best and pray for the best because my financial independence and economic freedom was directly linked to whether I graduated from college or not. Even if I wasn’t choosing my happiness and my own well-being at that moment, I knew I was still choosing myself in the long run by not quitting. Getting a college degree single handedly changed the trajectory of my life for the better. Nowadays, there is so much propaganda about college degrees but it is still one of the most effective ways to change your life circumstances. It can open so many doors for you and propel you into rooms that you didn’t even know existed. Even if you don’t want to go through the college route, getting a specialized skill or knowing a trade that can sustain you and help you become financially independent is really important. If you are a woman, especially a young black woman, I cannot stress enough how important it is to stay in school and get your education. The world can take a lot from you and weaken you and make you feel insane, but the one thing it can never ever take away from you is your education.
Even though I don’t regret many things, I do regret not leaning into my weirdness and strangeness. For many years, I chose to conform because I was scared of being judged or being looked at like an outcast. I should have been more weird and strange. Now that I am older, I really don’t care. In fact, I am going to lean into my weirdness and strangeness even more because being normal is overrated. Nobody is normal and everyone has their weird strange quirks. You just have to find people who have the same brand of weirdness that you do and if you get judged for your brand of weirdness, oh well life goes on.
At some point in my life, I also stopped believing in imposter syndrome because I was getting in my own way due to my fear of rejection. I started to adopt the same bold confidence that men seem to have, and it made a huge difference, especially in situations where I had to be brave and put myself out there. I had to stop doubting myself and being my own biggest enemy. A lot of young women have imposter syndrome and I am going to be real with you, now is not the time to be doubting yourself. Stop getting in your own way and learn how not to take rejection personally. It is a skill that you need to practice so that you can go after the things you want in life. If you don’t apply to an internship, or a scholarship or a job that you really want because you are doubting yourself, you are actually doing yourself a disservice. Let them reject you first. And you never know, you might actually get that internship, or job or scholarship, but you have to put yourself out there and believe in yourself and your abilities. Be delusional about your dream because sometimes, your dream can be the only thing you have to keep you going in life. Take those risks while you are still young and hopefully those risks will pay off in the long run.
In your early 20s, you should learn how to make friends and maintain those friendships. If you don’t have friends right now, get in the field and learn how to make new friends. It can be awkward, but you can’t survive without meaningful relationships and human connection. We’re wired for community. Without it, life gets a lot harder and lonelier. If you are scared of getting hurt or getting disappointed during the process of meeting new people, you have to overcome that fear because it’s preventing you from meeting people who are meant to be in your life. At the same time, we have to learn how to be vulnerable, how to communicate, and how to resolve disagreements in a healthy way, if we want to have good friendships and be in community with others. These are skills that you have to learn and you learn them through making mistakes sometimes. Once you create those meaningful connections, invest in them and nurture them. Speaking from experience, I promise you your life will get better once you have a solid group of friends or community.
If you are in a position to go to therapy and work on your baggage please go. A lot of people are walking around with no emotional regulation skills or healthy conflict resolution skills and it’s making their lives harder and other people’s lives harder as well. We all have things going on that we could grow from and learn from. Therapy is also good for you because you can unload all the mental baggage that is limiting you from self-actualizing and processing things. It can give you mental clarity and I will always swear by it because it changed my life for the better.
Invest in yourself, your future and your well-being by treating yourself the way you want others to treat you. Buy yourself flowers and do things that make you happy, even if others don’t get it. It’s your life! And learn to enjoy being alone. I have learned so much about myself through solitude and reflection. It helps you become more self-aware and allows you to practice self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion.
Life is like a game. You’ve got a deck of cards, and you’ve got to play the hand you’re dealt, take those risks, and see where they take you. So in conclusion, use your early 20s to learn, to grow, and to blossom into the person you want to become.
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